Not Seeking Attention

Julie has been having some unwanted sexual attention from a young male friend of her own age.  Eventually she was driven to deny him all contact – an extreme step for Julie to take, causing a lot of heartache.  This young man may have been naïve, lacking insight into his own behaviour – but that is scant consolation; Julie was badly frightened.

I was not too surprised when she told me about it: I had noticed that she was beginning to attract admiring glances from many directions.  She has lost a lot of excess weight, is running regularly to keep fit and is looking after herself; she looks pretty and healthy.  Above all she looks like a young woman in control and comfortable with herself; the sort of young woman you could trust to tell you firmly if your advances were unwelcome.

How looks deceive!  Julie is not attracted to men at the moment, is still very vulnerable and she is hopelessly naïve.  Sometimes we can laugh about it: when she was in hospital she received not one but two proposals of marriage from other patients.  But sometimes she feels alarmed and pressurised by expectations that she does not fully understand. Repeatedly, she befriends men with problems – they are drawn to her like moths to a flame – and is genuinely shocked when they step over the line of friendship.  She worries about repelling advances in case she offends.  When she is so pretty, kind and obliging, it is hard to blame a young man.  It took a very long time for her to recognise that her young male friend was taking advantage of her, and it will probably take him longer still.

“Maybe I just shouldn’t be on my own with any male friends.” concludes Julie miserably.  My heart goes out to her: far from revelling in this attention, she is feeling upset and isolated.  We talk about her remaining male friends, how comfortable she feels with them, or not.  And we talk about the sorts of situations to avoid with people you don’t know very well.  I don’t want to see her shunning friendships with men, or afraid of them.  But I want her to be able to recognize when she is uncomfortable and have the power to say no.  Above all, I want her to be safe.