Who Is In Control?

Within minutes of starting the meeting we ploughed head-first into a thorny philosophical problem.  We were meant to be discussing the practical problem of how to reintroduce Julie to school life next term.  Between us we represented quite a spectrum of different professions and points of view, but none of us, as it happened, was a professional philosopher.

I wanted to know what was going to happen when Julie self-harmed in school.  Janet, representing the school, had an immediate answer to that: self-harm in school was Julie's way of communicating to us that she was not safe in school; self-harm meant that she could not be educated in school any longer.  It was just a matter of making that clear to Julie, she said, and spelling out the consequences.  If she understood that she would lose her place at the school then she would control her self-harm.  The problem was that in the past everyone had pussy-footed around and not set boundaries.  She gave an anecdote about another pupil who had been violent but had controlled himself once given an ultimatum.

With all due respect... I said, or words to that effect, if we say this to Julie she will probably never come back to the school at all.  Or if she does, she will self-harm almost immediately through the sheer stress of trying to keep inside the boundaries.  We have set boundaries repeatedly and no matter what penalties or incentives there are, Julie cannot stick to them.  This is not under her voluntary control, and it is not a behavioural problem in that way.

Other people round the table looked rather embarrassed by this abstract discussion.  Julie is nearly an adult now, said someone, she does have to start taking responsibility for her actions. Of course, I said, but only when she is ready and able to.  We can't penalise her for self-harming until she has demonstrated she can control it.

Do I believe that the self-harm is completely out of Julie's control?  No, not entirely: obviously at some level, there is some part of her mind which is making a conscious decision to cut or overdose.  Probably she would not do it if she were being chased by a lion, so at some level you could say that "she is in control".  But in the absence of a convenient lion, there seems little practical benefit to be gained from telling her to control herself.  Making a fetish of being in control, just adds the fear of being out of control to her already impossible situation.  As soon as she self-harms, she is riddled with a sense of failure, a sense of letting everyone down.  And now a real fear of being thrown out of school and missing out on her education.

And is it really so strange to find that there are parts of ourselves that we can't control as easily as we think? Are "you" consciously in control of the situation when you have another chocolate biscuit with your tea?  Who is in control when you end up back in bed with the ex-boyfriend you swore you would never speak to again?  What about when you pass on that juicy piece of gossip you promised to keep to yourself?  Or that third glass of wine?  Having the intention of doing one thing, but doing another - isn't that just what human beings do all the time? 

Especially sixteen-year-old humans.  Imagine if your education - your whole life so far as you have experienced it, and the main hope for your future - hung in the balance, and you were told that if you gave in and ate that biscuit, it would be taken away from you.